I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about restarting my blog (maybe even moving to a new platform if needed). My first thought was 'I don't have time', as I think most of us feel. But that simply isn't true. Just today, I spent quite a few hours lazing on the couch, Facebook surfing and binging on Netflix with my boys. This post could have been written long ago, if I just lifted my butt off the couch and got it started...
My next thought was 'I'm a different person than I was when I started this'. Isn't that a blessing? That we change? That we grow? I am so glad that I am not the same as years ago...
Lastly, I thought about my writing... I thought about my voice, about what I have to say, about who I want to reach. I realised that, while I started this blog with the best of intentions, my motive was wrong. I had these high and mighty dreams of reaching out to unknown people, about inspiring them and changing their lives.
I was writing for the wrong audience. It was so difficult to push myself to keep this blog going, when I was battling with anxiety and depression. I have a bad habit of starting things with a bang, and then letting them frizzle out. I think this blog was one of those bad habits. I was writing for other people, not for myself, and it made it difficult to keep up. I feel as if most of my posts were fake, as though I was lying to my readers and myself. There are so many raw emotions that I kept hidden, so much silence, in order to preserve this image I was trying to portray. Life is ugly, and difficult, and exhausting, and I feel as if I wasn't honest about that.
That stops now. I am fooling no-one by the image I was trying to show. I am loud, and emotional, and weird, and slightly crazy. I fail as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter and a sister, as a person, on a daily basis, and if I want this to be a true portrayal of my life, then I need to get real about it.
I am going to try, to spend these moments writing about my life, about what I love, about the battles I fight. I am not going to make grandiose promises about posting every day, because it will not always be possible. But I am going to promise to try. To do my best. Because that is all, as a human, that I can do.
Lots of Love